It’s not easy to handle, this one.

When you feel like you’ve done your absolute best – always being punctual, working hard, showing utmost loyalty – just to be shoved aside by someone new who is better than you. One who doesn’t always turn up but the boss likes them and always chooses them anyway because of their great abilities.

It feels like you’re only good enough for a certain time, which is, as long as nobody can do the job better than you. Once someone better is in, you have to move to the back of the line, regardless of your loyalty or where your heart lies.

But that does sound pretty fair, doesn’t it? Then why I feel so cheated, unappreciated and downcast? One possibility that I can think of is because it has always been emphasised to us that loyalty is much more valued than ability. If you’re able, but you can’t stay loyal, you’re out. Therefore this incident, which totally contradicted that principle, is really difficult for me to accept.

If I can be honest, at the moment I’m just not feeling the passion anymore, which I always have all my life.

I know that I need to focus on the work itself, I need to focus on the reason why I’m doing this service. Perhaps I need time to come to terms with this: to accept that I’m just not good enough.

So meanwhile, I’ll take a step back, and be invisible for a while. Until time heals.

Please help me, God.


I saw one cloud and thought it was a sky

If I let you reach me, will you teach me?

I’ve let go the need to know why

For you know better than I.



it’s so, so easy to compare yourself to others, especially those who you think are better than you.

it’s so, so easy to then feel inadequate, to feel like you’re not good enough.

although I hate this trait of mine, I often can’t help it 😦 i’m too competitive, i’m too perfectionist. I can’t stand the feeling of not being my best self.

what little faith I have… please help me, God.

i have to remind myself that You are forever faithful, I have to remember all the blessings that You have given me. they are truly abundant, they are more than I needed. help me not to feel this way. help me to always remember that You have created me, with my strengths and weaknesses, and that because I am worthy of Your love, therefore nothing should make me feel otherwise.

I have to accept that there will always be people who are better than me, who will be chosen instead of me. but I have to always remember that I have been chosen for the roles that I do now, and I have to be grateful for that. But being less capable than other people does not mean that I’m not good enough – it just mean that I am better suited to do other things.

So help me God.




True beauty

It’s not exquisite clothes that make you look and feel good,

It’s what you do to your body to maintain its health the best you can.

It’s not skillful makeup which makes you beautiful,

It’s the kindness, love and care you exude through your thoughts, words, and actions.

So help me God.